Little Things, Big Love

Secret #4 to Lasting Love, according to Madonna Behen, is to “remember the little things” (Behen 7). (See below for the list of seven secrets, with links to previous posts.)

When I asked my husband Jay some of the little things that make a big statement to him, he mentioned my making his lunch on work days, picking up after myself, and letting him watch baseball. (Jay’s favorite team seems to be on 24-7 during the spring-summer-early fall. It's a time-consuming sport.)

I starting thinking this morning about the little things that mean much to me, and I came up with an important word that is at the core of any of these actions: attitude. I mentioned in my previous post about how I tend to attack a project myself rather than ask for help. In a similar direction, I don’t want just the “little thing,” I want the right attitude with it. If he is doing something for me I know he doesn’t like, and I have any inkling of his dislike, the outcome is partially ruined for me.

Some of the little things that, with the right attitude, thrill me in large ways include the following:

·      Getting to sleep in (even one day a week or once in a while),

·      Shopping together (even for groceries),

·      Having a quality conversation about possibilities and plans,

·      Going out for an appetizer and dessert at a restaurant I love, and

·      Having dinner made for me.

But, complicated as I am, if he is going to wake up in a bad mood or seem sleepy all day, if he’s going to be distracted by his phone and not listen to my excitement over what is on sale, if he’s going to appear that the conversation topic isn’t relevant to him, if he’s going to question the logic in going out and not getting a real meal, or if he’s going to act like it's a big deal to get a meal prepared, I feel he must feel it’s too much effort.

On the flip side, I know I need to be sure I don’t grumble through the gifts I give him. Matthew 5:28 says that even looking at someone other than your spouse lustfully is wrong because Jesus was a Teacher who emphasized the heart. Proverbs 23:7 reflects this theme: “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” It’s probably not the best idea, then, to let Jay watch baseball but then vacuum throughout the game as I loudly complain about what a wreck the house is.

When we do the little things for our spouse, we don’t need to make them seem like a big deal. Our attitude needs to communicate that we are willing to do these little things because of our big love. 

 We even go to baseball games as a family. I used to complain a lot throughout the game, but now I try to enjoy the good hot dogs and smile.

 the entire series (with written posts linked)

Introduction 

Secret # 1 Have Realistic Expectations 

Secret #2 Sweat the Small Stuff 

Secret #3 Consider Yourselves a Team

Secret #4 Remember the Little Things

Secret #5 Accentuate the Positive

Secret #6 Have Other Friendships

Secret #7 Spend Time Apart

Behen, Madonna. “The Seven Secrets of Lasting Love.” USA Weekend 27-29 April 2012. Print.  

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So Happy Together: Marriage is a Partnership

Tuesday’s topic (Marriage is a Partnership) has finally arrived, after an introduction post about this series on the "Seven Secrets of Lasting Love," Secret # 1 (Have Realistic Expectations), and Secret #2 (Sweat the Small Stuff). 

I mentioned in the introduction that both my husband and I work outside the home. Though his doctorate in physical therapy brings home more of the proverbial and literal bacon than my professor’s salary, I don’t feel my husband devalues my work or my contribution to our finances.

When we were dating, I told him I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. This was not a calculated lie to land a husband who hoped for a clean house and home-cooked meals June-Clever style: it was my honest goal. When I started work at O’More College of Design, however, my goals shifted. I fell in love. With a job. I never thought it possible. Jay got a three-day-a-week shift so that we could have the home schedule we desired for ourselves and our kids.

Jay is hands-down the best daddy I have ever seen. If you know me, you know this is a wildly large compliment. I adore my father. He is my hero. But I don’t remember how he interacted with me as a child. (I just remember that I’ve always adored him.) 

One of the top reasons I married Jay was because of the way I watched him play with and talk to kids.  This towering six-foot-five giant gets down on his knees; his voice is one of excitement and kindness. I hope our boys and our future children know what a blessing they have; I don’t believe they will be able to miss it.

Parenting-sharing is not an issue. The only time I feel a lack of partnership is in some of the other duties that come in marriage. I often tend to take over the home side of responsibilities because I have a hard time asking for help. (Also, I jokingly say it is the “Hilliard Way,” using my maiden name, to just do it yourself.) I’m probably the only wife on the planet whose husband says, “Please remind me over and over—otherwise I just forget.” Really? You know that is kind of the definition of “nag,” don’t you?

We’ve figured out a system that helps, for the most part. Somehow I feel like it’s okay to write down what he needs to do each day. A pad of paper from the $1 bin at Target receives my requests: take out the trash, fold the laundry in the dryer (how my mother would be appalled to know how long it had been sitting there, unfolded), balance the checkbook….

The problem that arises is in things that pop up throughout the day. Thinking ahead to all possible To Do items first thing in the morning is a challenge. So our system isn’t perfect, but it is helping.

The responsibilities connected to marriage can seem endless at times, but they are not for one spouse to conquer alone. Helen Keller said, “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.” I tend to think a little differently: alone we can do so much; together we can do even more. Here’s to even more.  

Keller, Helen. Thinkexist.com. n.p. n.d. Web. 10 July 2012.

 the entire series (with written posts linked)

Introduction 

Secret # 1 Have Realistic Expectations 

Secret #2 Sweat the Small Stuff 

Secret #3 Consider Yourselves a Team

Secret #4 Remember the Little Things

Secret #5 Accentuate the Positive

Secret #6 Have Other Friendships

Secret #7 Spend Time Apart

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http://www.goodmorninggirls.org

Sweatin It Small Stuff Style

In case you just stepped into this series, I’m looking at Madonna Behen’s “Seven Secrets of Lasting Love,” spending each day a week pondering one of the secrets. The introduction to this series is here.    Secret #1 is to Have Realistic Expectations.  Secret #2 is to sweat the small stuff. That’s this post's hot topic.

It’s not the healthiest relationship move to ask, “Honey, what do I do that drives you crazy?” Face it, ladies, you are going to get mad, no matter his response.

“No way. I’m not stupid” will be interpreted by us as “I’m not going to work on our relationship by talking through this.”

“Well, let me pull out the long list I keep in my wallet” won’t go over well either.

So let’s think about our wording. I tried this: “Can you think of one little thing I could start doing that I don’t do now that would make you happy?” The answer to this phrasing was much easier to endure. He said he liked it when things were in their place. (Wasn’t that diplomatic instead of saying, “I’d like you to stop being such a slob.”) He even gave examples: my shoes, my bags, my socks. (I tend to leave myself all around.)

And I starting thinking of the little things that would make me happier. A week ago I said one item like this: “I’m thinking one of my new pet peeves is when the recycling items pile up on the counter instead of being put away.” I had to remind him kindly of that today with a “do you remember how this is my new pet peeve?” as I pointed to the empty counter (empty because of my efforts).

I think that two elements are important when telling your spouse about the small stuff that makes you “nutsy coo-coo” as my mom says.

1)   How you say it.

a.     Don’t point fingers, speak calmly, and consider how you’d like to hear the same information.

2)   When you say it.

a.     Don’t pile on, and remember that timing is everything.

A healthy marriage is an honest marriage—but Emily Dickinson had it right:

Tell all the truth but tell it slant,
Success in circuit lies,
Too bright for our infirm delight
The truth's superb surprise; 

As lightning to the children eased
With explanation kind,
The truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind. 

Criticism, critiques, and even requests can be hard to hear, but bottling up your emotions will cause long-term damage. When something is worth the request, say it carefully: "dazzle" him "gradually" (Dickinson l. 7). 

Love isn't actually blind: it's kind. 

Don't tell the Summer of Healthy Living I had a Diet Dr. Pepper today. (And, in my husband's defense, all of these items are ones I emptied.)

  the entire series (with written posts linked)

Introduction 

Secret # 1 Have Realistic Expectations 

Secret #2 Sweat the Small Stuff 

Secret #3 Consider Yourselves a Team

Secret #4 Remember the Little Things

Secret #5 Accentuate the Positive

Secret #6 Have Other Friendships

Secret #7 Spend Time Apart

Behen, Madonna. “The Seven Secrets of Lasting Love.” USA Weekend 27-29 April 2012. Print. 

Dickinson, Emily. "Tell All the Truth." Poemhunter.com. n.p. 3 January 2003. Web. 9 July 2012.

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Realistic Expectations and Magic Mike

I realize that the hectic start to my week has made this post late: my reflections on Sunday’s challenge to “have realistic expectations” (Behen 6).  I’ll play some “catch up” and be back on track soon.

I thought and thought and thought, but came up with nothing. I think everything I expect of my husband is completely realistic, was my conclusion. I needed a man’s reflections, so I asked my husband. He loves a back rub; I love quality conversation, so I bribed him. (Note: it can be hard to get deep thoughts from your husband while you rub his tired shoulders; he tends to zone out.)

Despite the relaxation distraction, Jay came up with several good things he thinks some women shouldn’t, but sometimes do, expect their husbands to do:

• Give her everything she wants,
• Know everything she is thinking and needing and wanting,
• Change after marriage,
• Focus all energies on her, and
• Not need friendships outside of hers.

The hopes above paint the portrait of a money-factory, mind-reading, chameleon, never-sleeping, lonely fellow.

But a conversation with a friend tonight got me thinking about movies and their direct link to today’s topic. The buzz about Magic Mike is endless these days: the praise, the condemnation, the “it’s about time” comments. Does this film with Tatum Channing / Channing Tatum (I never remember which comes first.) dancing provocatively around in his skivvies give women unrealistic expectations of their husbands?

The question has caused an uproar for some; however, I’d like to light another fire. What about Nicolas Sparks? What about all those chick flicks? Are we not told by these films that wild romantic feelings should run full-force through our entire relationships? Forget that hope he will change after marriage; these movies tell us his mad love will remain mad forever: it will never change. And if he does something stupid, and you raise a protest, he’ll buy you the guitar you’ve always dreamed of, write you a beautiful love song and sing it to you over the speaker in an airplane—do whatever it takes to win you back (what I call the endless loop of the “grand gesture cycle”).

Maybe watching a hot guy in leather chaps isn’t the only possible distraction from realistic, lasting love. I'm not trying to point fingers, just to point out that the pointing can go in multiple directions. What's your distraction? I think it’s time for all of us to see what’s holding us back from loving our men as they are now while loving them towards the man they are made to be.   

 the entire series (with written posts linked)

Introduction 

Secret # 1 Have Realistic Expectations 

Secret #2 Sweat the Small Stuff 

Secret #3 Consider Yourselves a Team

Secret #4 Remember the Little Things

Secret #5 Accentuate the Positive

Secret #6 Have Other Friendships

Secret #7 Spend Time Apart

Behen, Madonna. “The Seven Secrets of Lasting Love.” USA Weekend 27-29 April 2012. Print. 

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Time, Love, and Tenderness

I’ve been extremely busy lately with an editing project, and juggling that with keeping up with my boys, cleaning the house for last minute showing requests, and making sure my other work responsibilities get ample attention (such as the two summer courses I am teaching) has kept me up late and slightly on edge the past week.

I’ve noticed that when I attempt to be AwesomeWoman, one aspect of my life tends to be the easiest to ignore: my husband.

Jay always seems to be able to entertain himself well enough, but I need to remember that his Love Language (Thanks, Dr. Gary Chapman, for creating a dialect in which any who have read you now communicate.) of quality time cannot go unnoticed. Though he isn’t the type to very often ask for attention, or even to make obvious his pleasure in his needs being met, he still does need attention and still does have needs.

For some reason, this month I have been especially thinking about The Five Love Languages. Though I don’t have time until this project is complete to give it the required time and energy, I’ve decided I want to do five consecutive blog posts, one on each language. So, coming July 16^th to a blog near you (specifically to this blog), will be my reflections, musings, ramblings, and some challenges related to this book.

Until then, I did read a short article by Madonna Behen in USA Weekend (posted below in its entirety) that will guide my actions towards Jay this week. Behen’s suggestion is to target each day of the week with one “secret.” Here is my schedule:

• Sunday: “Have realistic expectations” (Behen 6).
• On this day, I will evaluate what I expect of my husband and see if any areas need tweaking. They say to pick your battles: am I fighting any losing wars? Are there some points worth sticking to?
• Monday: “Sweat the small stuff” (Behen 7).
• Though it seems a bit in opposition to the first point, this day is about figuring out the little things that you can request change. (I think Sunday is more about large scale expectations.) Little, unresolved issues can pile up and end up creating an explosion. BUT, I MUST come in kindness with requests.
• Tuesday: “Consider yourselves a team” (Behen 7).
• We both work outside the home, and we are truly a partnership. I don’t feel my husband devalues my work, but I often tend to take over the home side of responsibilities because I have a hard time asking for help. On Tuesday, I will work on figuring out how we can better share household duties without me feeling like a nag.
• Wednesday: “Remember the little things” (Behen 7).
• On Wednesday, I will make it a point to do the “little things” I know make a big difference for my husband.
• Thursday (I got out of order from her list.) “Accentuate the Positive” (Behen 7).
• Today I will make a list of what is going right in our marriage and the positive qualities of my husband. 
• Friday: “Have friendships with people of both sexes” (Behen 7).
• Luckily for me, Fridays are when we spend time with our small group, which is made up of guys and girls who are like family to us!
• Saturday: “Spend time apart” (Behen 7).
• Again fortuitous, Jay works an eleven-hour shift on Saturdays: we truly spend time apart this day! However, I don’t always have the most enjoyable “apart” time on Saturdays as I usually run around the house making things happen. I will make it a point to do at least one thing on this day that I enjoy that Jay does not.

Each day, I will blog about my experience on this experiment. Want to join me in rethinking and then reacting positively to the health of our marriages?

                                 

  the entire series (with written posts linked)

Introduction 

Secret # 1 Have Realistic Expectations 

Secret #2 Sweat the Small Stuff 

Secret #3 Consider Yourselves a Team

Secret #4 Remember the Little Things

Secret #5 Accentuate the Positive

Secret #6 Have Other Friendships

Secret #7 Spend Time Apart

Behen, Madonna. “The Seven Secrets of Lasting Love.” USA Weekend 27-29 April 2012. Print.  

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Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

My Boys

 Jonas (almost 9 months old)

Jack (2.75 years old)

Amidst the busy-crazy-wild thing I call life, I have felt a fullness lately. That fullness is my boys. 

Jonas has started pulling up: he's working on getting three new teeth, adding to the two bottom ones he already sports. He dances and chats nonsense and enjoys playing with his big brother. His wild hair reminds me of those little trolls I collected as a young girl.

Jack talks all of the time, and he's getting quite the sense of humor. The other day while singing "buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks," he changed the line to "Cracker Jonas." Cleverness. Jack also has started "going to work" or telling us (such as after he put on one of his father's button up shirts) that he is ready for work. When he "comes back," he tells me he had fun at work. (I hope this is true in the future.) What does he do at his job? I'm waiting to find out. Right now all I know is that he sits down in the van and drives there.

They are bonding in cute and frustrating ways. Jonas goes to bed an hour earlier than Jack, but he's been waking up when Jack comes their shared room and wanting to play. We took Jonas on a trip (since baby still flies free) and left Jack with my mom. Jonas was lonesome without his big brother and thrilled when they were reunited. 

I didn't plan on working while wifing and mothering, but I also didn't plan on loving my job. Somehow I've got it all, even though having it all means having to figure out what to do with all of it! 

But it's worth it. 

I am so blessed.

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Beware the Angry Woman!

Proverbs 21:9 and 19 seem to smack of a bit of humor (though complete truth) in the middle of this serious chapter. It would be better, they say, to live in a horrible or uncomfortable environment than with an argumentative, touchy, angry woman. 

Perhaps some women scoff at this remark: How unfair! they might protest. But is it not true? “A happy wife makes a happy life.” “If Mama isn’t happy, then nobody is happy.” Many an adage that echoes these verses has become a popular saying today.

For better or for worse, the attitude of a woman—and women are generally, in good ways and in bad ways, more emotionally-charged individuals—greatly affects those around her. Proverbs is not singling out women in a sexist manner, but to remind women of the great power we have over the general peace in our homes. And when we have power, we must act responsibly.

When I asked my husband what he wants most out of life, comfort was one of his top three desires. Why are women often depicted as being quarrelsome (the antidote to comfort)? And, more importantly, how can I avoid falling into that stereotype?

1)   Breathe: they say to count to ten before you react; sometimes three deep breaths can stop an overreaction.

2)   Be: you are super-mom, but you have to make time for yourself. Ask your husband, in a time of kindness and not in the middle of trouble, to help you get time for a private cup of tea, a little reading, a nice bath, or girls’ game night.

3)   Play: I get the most uptight when I think of all the things on my to do list. They pile up, and I snap at or ignore others while I try to knock them down, twelve at a time. It does my body and mind good to take a break and play with my kids—and with my husband! I have to carry the right attitude with me, though, because no one wants a grumbling or side-tracked playmate.

4)   Pray: alone and together. The other day I was completely on edge. Every slight sound made me want to through rather heavy objects—specifically at the window. Instead of breaking things, I got on my knees, faced my two-and-a-half-year-old (who was following behind me talk-talk-talking), and said, “Jack, will you please pray for Mama?” I found the closest words I knew he’d understand: “Please pray that Mama will not be upset. That she will be happy.” Maybe it was admitting my emotions, maybe it was stopping before I overreacted, maybe it was the prayers of a toddler being answered—probably it was all of those things—and I felt better.

A happy home is a group effort, but the woman often takes the emotional lead. I must always try to create a feeling of peace and safety in my home. I don’t want my sons or husband thinking they’d rather live on the roof or in the woods than with me!

 The to do list can wait: these boys needed some fun in the sun time. 

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